THE 7 UNNATURAL LAWS OF HOLLYWOOD

7 UNNATURAL LAWS OF HOLLYWOOD

 Hollywood has its own culture, its own values and its own way of doing things.  Taking a naive approach to your attack on Hollywood might result in attempting to violate some of the industry's unstated and un-natural laws.  If you fail to observe these laws, you will be penalized. But nobody will bother to mention it or cry for you.  Except maybe for Mrs. Waddlesworth. She and your mom.

THE ONE RULE ABOVE ALL RULES "Hollywood culture is non-confrontational and so nobody will give you honest feedback." - The film and television industry is a small and tight knit community.  As my former boss Pam Thomas told me, "You're going to be meeting the same people over and over again no matter where you go."  Because of this, nobody will give you confrontationally honest feedback about anything.  People are afraid of pissing someone off who later might turn out to be VP of development at Warner Brothers.  It's like the culture of "The American South": people can be kind and cordial to your face while secretly they are getting ready to lynch your best friend. Michael McCarthy, one of my early mentors, explained it as follows: "In Hollywood, yes means yes and yes means no."  So you might ask someone: "Did you read my script?"  They might say yes which means yes, but they also might say yes which means no.  You might also ask them, "Did you like my script?"  They might say yes which means yes, but they also might say yes, but secretly hated it.

Some more of these un-natural laws can be stated as follows:

"Hollywood only markets two things: NAMES and BUDGETS." - Dov S-S Siemens

"In Hollywood, you have to have a NAME or a LOOK." - Talent Manager

"The goal of the character actor is to typecast themselves." - Talent Agent

"Give the money to the funny." - Television Sitcom Axiom

"In Hollywood, you're only as good as your last movie." - Peter Bart & Peter Guber

"Always set up your next movie before your current movie comes out." - Ari (Entourage)

"Nobody likes to read." - Talent Agent

1. When feature films are marketed to the public, the campaigns are based around hyping the budget for the production or the NAMES of the actors or directors.  A byproduct of this law is that an indie film without a marketable NAME will be difficult (read: impossible) to sell to a distributor.  Budget and Box Office figures are not mathematically precise.  They are exaggerated to support the marketing message.
2. Hollywood is not a talent competition. Top CD Sharon Bialy (Breaking Bad) said that only 7% of casting decisions are based on 'the audition'. It's not about the best audition. Instead, casting follows the law of NAMES & LOOKS.  If you're not a NAME (have no credits) then you need to have the right LOOK to get seen for the role.  Pitches are instantly dismissed based on headshots (LOOKS), forget the reel, the conversation never gets that far.  Instead, aspirants are grouped into LOOKS and then ranked by credits.  Auditioning goes in rounds starting with the top ranked actors who have the right LOOK.  If the stakes are high enough, you need a NAME AND A LOOK (ie. Miley Cyrus reinvention 'Wrecking Ball').  If the name is big enough, the look will be a secondary concern (ie. Tom Cruise in Jack Reacher).  If the look is good enough (ie. Dave Bautista in Guardians of the Galaxy, you can book the big role if you're a non-actor).
3. If you want to work consistently, it's best to be clearly typecast so that casting thinks of you immediately when they get a script that includes a character description (of your LOOK).  Another way of saying this is "Embody an archetype and MORE IMPORTANTLY, LOOK LIKE AN ARCHETYPE (headshots, postcards, reels)."  Go ahead and read the definition of archetype. This Hollywood law dates back to to a time before movie stars did roles on television (note: because movie stars now do roles on television)!  For this new reality (movie stars doing roles on television), please refer to Law #2.  Casting is looking for specific types to fill specific roles described in the script by the writer.
4. If you're the funniest one in the room, you can book the role. To get into the room, you usually need a name or a look.  The money goes to the funny.  So if you're not funny, learn how to be funny. ie. spend all your time at The Groundlings or UCB of Second City etc.  People who dabble in comedy usually are not funny.  They only think that they are funny.  Which is not the same at all.
5. Your career can be white hot, but if you make a stinker of a movie it could be hard to get seen for the next one.  Hence, rule number 6.
6. Make sure you have a film / TV show in production in case your last film/TV show is a critical failure.  The next movie is the hedge against the current movie.  If they both turn out great, you're lucky.  If the current movie is a bomb, you don't need to worry because you already have the next job in hand.
7. Nobody wants to read your sketch packet, your pilot script or your feature script.  They want to watch it.  Or they want the synopsis or a review (press quote, pull quote) from someone who took the time to read it.  Another way of saying this is "show don't tell".  POSTCARDS, not verbal blah-bedy-blah. VIRAL VIDEOS, not sketch packets. TV CLIPS not resume lines.